I see man boobs.
Much of what you’ll find in the self-help section at your local bookstore points to “self acceptance” or “self love” as the ticket to living a happier life. We are told to look in a mirror and say, “I love what I see.”
I’m not sure that’s such a good idea. The mirror tempts us to regard ourselves with the same all or nothing mentality of a critical stranger.
For example, here’s a photo taken of me this past summer:
What you see in this photo is an overweight guy who shouldn’t have cut his hair off but seems to have a sense of humor. I, for lack of a better term, have man boobs…moobs? Yep, that’s embarrassing.
But when I look at myself in the photo, I don’t just see a fat guy in a blue shirt. I see a man in the middle of climbing a mountain he had no business being on. I see a guy who didn’t let his physical insecurities get in the way of his hilarious fascination with challenges. I see a guy who is trying to change.
When I look in a mirror today, I see a similar person. But I am no more proud of myself than I would be of a friend with a half-written dissertation or 13.1 miles through a marathon. I can love the participant but it seems foolhardy and even dangerous to base my affections on what amounts to being just one of many points in a process.
It’s easy for us to define ourselves by exterior checkpoints because that is how most of the world judges us. They only see fat or thin, rich or poor, bald or hirsute. It takes a special set of eyes to notice changes in patience, kindness, and generosity. The world judges us on a shortsighted scale of extremes. Is it any wonder that most of us slip into the same mentality when examining ourselves?
The self-help books tell us to accept ourselves for who we are in the current moment. But how can we accept a person we view with a winner-takes-all approach to existence? Doing so will lead the majority of us to look in the mirror and see only a loser.
How do we cope with a loser? Not with acceptance, but with resignation. We give up some of our hope that things will change and find a way to survive by overlooking the particularly noxious bits. What a terrible way to live! Instead of appreciating our strengths and working to shore up our weaknesses, we steep any chance at satisfaction in a dark brew of doubt and self-hatred.
You are not a loser. I am not a loser. And yet we often begin the internal dialogue of a loser when we look in the mirror.
How do we break free of our tendency to greet failures with resignation and mirrors with disgust and self-loathing? How do we move from saying, “I am a failure because I have failed in this” to acknowledging our struggle and finding ways to conquer it?
Finding multiple ways to measure my progress toward a specific goal has proven to be a tremendous help in vanquishing my mirror demons and keeping “loser” out of my vocabulary. Instead of looking at the cover of Men’s Health and feeling like a loser when I see myself in the mirror, I have five things I use to measure my progress:
- Truth Pants – I have a pair of pants that I try on every week. When the pants fit me perfectly, I buy another pair that is a bit smaller to keep the cycle going. When I’m down to my optimum weight I’ll have a pair of pants I make sure I fit into each week… just to be sure. =) Some people take lots of measurements. I prefer truth pants.
- Scale – At this point I have a pretty good idea if I’ve lost weight or not without looking at the scale. What I’ve found the scale VERY useful for is making sure I’m staying hydrated. If my weight is down too much, it nearly always coincides with my failure to get enough water.
- Gut Feeling - I have less of a gut to feel with these days, but there’s something to be said for listening to one’s body once you’ve had a chance to get to know each other. At this point, I notice changes in energy levels and mood based on how well I’ve taken care of myself during the week.
- Mileage – I have a hunch, and it’s just a hunch, that I’ll not get fatter if I cover at least 30 miles by foot each week. My mirror demon has yet to come up with a good answer as to how I’m a loser if I’ve met my mileage goal.
- Friends – Because I see myself all the time I tend to ignore positive changes in my quest to fix remaining problem areas. Friends who only see me every few weeks have been an amazing encouragement in that they notice and remark on changes that I’d forgotten about or no longer took joy in.
It’s not a perfect system but it’s doing a lot to keep me on the path of self-acceptance and away from the temptation to resign myself to things I can actually change.
When I look in a mirror, I see a person who is making a difference. I see progress. I see a guy who accepts himself but sees no reason not to change the things he’s capable of changing. I see somebody I can be proud of.
What about you? What do you see when you look in a mirror?
Remember the old Museum of Science ad
“What makes an ocean wave, wave?”
I point at mah belly and tell my little nieces and nephews
“I do”
That’s some perspective! ::laughing::
Not accurate science though… =)
Y’all haven’t seen my belly
Looking in the mirror has been something I have avoided at all costs during my fattest moments. It’s funny because when I started working out at the gym I had a super tough time looking in the mirror. My trainer was like “girl! look in the mirror so you can see if you’re doing these reps right!” and I would avoid it at all costs the first few weeks. I even wrote a post on “Now I know why the gym has mirrors”. I was living in fat denial all of these years. If I didn’t look in the mirror it wasn’t a reality for me.
Now I can look in the mirror. I still don’t like everything I see, but I know I won’t see it like that tomorrow. Things are changing and I like that.
I don’t go to the gym. I used to. Not anymore. It didn’t make sense for me to rely on a gym to stay healthy.
That said, I’m a huge guy so running through a sketch neighborhood at 3am is less of an issue for me, I’ve found.
Changes are fun, eh? I love ‘em.
My reflection in the mirror is not at all what I feel I look like. My perception is much thinner. Maybe I need a new glasses prescription.
My mirror tends to do the same thing. We must shop at the same store! =)
Mirrors have shown me the reality of my illnesses, the lack of colour in my face or rings under my eyes. At times when I’ve gotten stronger they show me that my muscles are strengthening. Some days, they make me feel worse, but most of the time they remind me what I look like =D. When I feel really sick, I avoid them, but I’ve been feeling better and better (physically) so sometimes there are pleasant surprises!
And you’re getting stronger now? I’m still impressed that you dragged your family out to walk with you!
Oh, haha! We’ve always been an active family, which is one of the reasons I miss it so much!
I don’t know if I’m much stronger now than a week ago, but its a slow process, and I find that changes creep up on me =D. But I’m definitely getting there!
Question for you, Seth: how much water do you tend to drink to stay of track? Just recently it seems like people have switched to advising that you divide your weight in half and drink that many ounces. However, I feel like 150 oz has water poisoning potential, even for someone of my size. What are your thoughts on the matter?
My weight in half… let’s round up so we’d have 180 ounces… just over 22 cups each day.
If I’m working out I tend to drink significantly more than that. Water poisoning hasn’t been an issue for me. =)
Every body is different but I’d say it’s a safe bet that most people simply don’t drink enough water.
Shoot for the 150 and if it’s too much, your body will let you know. Of course, see what your doctor says. I expect it might be something similar.
Um, Seth, how are you doing your math? I thought it was 8 ounces in a cup, so 180 ounces works out to 22.5 cups.
My calculation for my weight gives me 15 cups, or 3 1/2 liters. I drink around 4 1/2 to 5 liters daily. I also live in a tropical climate where I’m always too hot. And I have problems with low blood pressure/fluctuating blood pressure that I control partially through drinking electrolytes with salt.
I don’t force myself to drink that much – it just happens through the day with no extra effort on my part. If I don’t drink enough, ie less than 3 liters in a day, I feel thirsty and I start getting headaches.
I don’t know about other people, but what I’m doing works for me.
I wasn’t doing any math. Fixed!
I’m about what doing works for me as well. I think a lot of people are truly scared to try new things though. Not me. If eating gingerbread for 3 months might make me fly, I’d try it.
=)
I was told by my naturopath that the number he wants me to shoot for is 20 cups (5 liters). However, the calculations he was using set it much higher (1 cup / 10 lbs which is 28 cups for me) but he knows I’ll have trouble with 20 so that’s what I’m to shoot for.
If only it was Coke 8=) 5 liters of Coke used to be a cakewalk for me. Thankfully I’ve cut that down and I’m working on it being a weekly treat.
Hi Seth,
Thanks for the thoughtful post. I’ve long ago dispensed with self-loathing. It’s not productive. But, as you point out, it’s also not beneficial to accept an unhealthy situation.
When I look in the mirror, I see someone that has some work to do. I also see a person successful in many different ways. I’ve never, ever reached a worthwhile goal without dedicated attention to developing a soltuion.
So, ultimately, I see a problem and the person that knows how to fix it.
I was up at 5:00 today. I walked to the highest point of my city and was rewarded by an excellent view on the Indian Ocean.
I’m so glad you’ve joined! =)
I like that you see a person who knows how to fix any problem you see. That’s powerful and inspiring in the same breath.
I am totally all about the mileage! I very much believe in that.
Also I love your idea of the Truth Pants. The pants don’t lie!
Pants never lie. That’s a carryover from my upbringing surrounded by women. The pants were a common conversation. =)
What do I see when I look in the mirror? A fat girl whose wasted way too much of her time flogging herself for it. This isn’t to say I’m perfectly happy with where I’m at, but it is to say I no longer beat myself up for who I am right now.
I lost 30 pounds 3 years ago and I’ve kept it off, but I’m not done. And I know I’ll get started again soon. Truth pants and all.
Keep on keepin’ on, sir. Not that I have to tell you…
Not that I have to tell you! You can start today. Today seems like a good day to start things. =)
you know Ive been waiting for the MOOOBS post.
I am all about the truth pants as well.
sometimes I put em on, they dont fit, and i know that it is all the result of living and enjoying life a little too much.
and you know what?
that’s ok as well.
Um, by “enjoying life too much” you mean scarfing tuna from the can and running about like a madwoman? That would make one’s pants seem a bit loose, I’d think. =)
The truth pants will probably be my main tool for maintenance once I’m at my goal weight. We’ll see how long it takes to get there!
Hi Seth,
Thanks for this post. I LOVE the truth pants! I have two pairs of jeans in my closet that I have been totally avoiding and that’s the problem! Running away instead of running towards them!
Natalia
You’re welcome. =)
Get those pants on! You can do it! We both have some running to do.
This is our year if we will it to be so. I’m glad to have you along for the ride!
Loved this post, because it’s so true: We’re told we have to love ourselves exactly the way we are, but that really doesn’t make sense if the way we “are” is making us fat and unhealthy. I’d look in the mirror and TRY to love the fat girl I saw…but couldn’t. Now that I have lost some pounds I realize why I couldn’t love her — that 215-pound woman wasn’t the real me. Instead of loving myself the way I was, I had to love the real me inside, the one who was strong and determined and fully capable of handling stress without the aid of super-sized double cheeseburger meals.
Now when I look in the mirror, I am starting to like what I see — someone who’s about 1/3 of the way to a healthy weight. That makes me feel good, and I find that makes it okay that I’m not yet totally satisfied with the way I look. What’s funny is that before I gained all this weight, I was very self-critical even of my thin self. The thing I am looking forward to most about reaching my goal weight is being able to look in the mirror with the memory of my fat self in mind, and telling myself that I look fabulous!
“Truth pants”…good name for a goal outfit. I have “truth dress,” size 13/14, I’m trying to get into right now, and it gets a little more possible to button it every day. I’m almost there! (I have an 11/12 lined up for the day I reach the 13/14 goal, LOL.)
Thanks for a great post.
Hi Allison,
You’ve made awesome progress! Kara has a good point in saying that it might be good to keep an old outfit around for those times when you feel like you haven’t done anything. Break out the old dress and remind yourself that you CAN do this.
Keep going. You’ll get there.
wow. i think this is one of the most profound posts i’ve read from you, seth. your openness and transparency are humbling and beautiful. thank you. i love what you said about the very real struggle to accept ourselves in the midst of the process of self improvement while battling against the tendency to get hung up in this winner-take-all culture. Some days, moving forward on our journeys takes a tough, blood-sweat-n-tears decision of the will. other days seem easier and fueled by feelings of strength, confidence and might. man, i love those days when you FEEL like you can do it. but the days when you feel like you can’t do it, but do it anyway? well, those kind of days uncover a person’s real character and are major victories in and of themselves.
your truth pants rock. i would also like to suggest another pair of truth pants you ought to try on for size from time to time: the pair of pants you wore the day you decided to change. that’s some real truth. some people prefer to forget and never look back. but on those days where you feel down about how much further you have left to go in the process, putting on that old pair of pants and delighting in the sheer breathing room and bagginess of it all frees your mind to embrace the glorious truth of how much you’ve actually accomplished so far.
thanks for inspiring all of us. it’s day four in the challenge and i’ve already used one get out of jail free card and modified my run start time on two days. but … i’m running. and feeling great. and i know i’m not alone.
Aww, thanks! That means a lot coming from you!
I don’t have any of the pants I used to wear. I threw them out when I moved. (Only brought 3 pairs with me)
I could, however, try on a pair when I’m out shopping. That’d work quite nice! If we’re ever shopping and I complain about being fat, remind me to try on a pair of pants that would have fit me in 2008. That’ll shut me up. =)
So glad you’re doing this challenge. Thought I might have lost you for a bit there.
I love your 5 ways to track progress. Not only are you keeping yourself going; you are keeping others going as well! Thanks!!!
I’m happy to help. =)