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Nobody talks about the utter loneliness of weight loss. They talk about how difficult it is to avoid unhealthy food and couch potato behavior during the holidays, but never about the mental loneliness of physical reduction.
None of the books I’ve read ever mentioned the absolute solitude that arises from aggressive introspection. They had tips and tricks to avoid overeating in social settings but they said nothing about how alone I’d feel.
Dear Heather,
My hands were stiff with cold when I found a path away from you. I’d heard that it was supposed to snow early next morning so I headed out for another 10 miles before it got much colder.
I’d made a late start and by the time I reached the beach I was trading shadows with street lights and passing cars. The wind was whipping hard. For all my girth, I was cold. I thought of turning back and waiting for a warmer day. You’d have liked that, wouldn’t you? For me to quit? For me to give up on myself again? Unlikely.
I shut off my iPod and paid close attention to my breathing as I lengthened my stride and picked up speed. I knew there was a speed that would keep me warm without wearing me out too quickly. I just had to find it.
The fog was so thick I couldn’t see the water 20 feet from me as I struggled to find a good pace. I was getting frustrated. I was alone. Very, very much alone.
But having people with me wouldn’t have helped. Most of the trainers I know would have told me to head home, do some crunches, and get some rest. Even the screeching Neanderthal from The Biggest Loser would have whimpered for a jacket and latte.
I thought of how I’d heard her say that people who get to a certain weight do so because they’re different from others, have no control, and need to be screamed at. It made me laugh to think of how that absolutely didn’t apply to me.
I’ve been alone for all of this. I was alone when my legs warmed, my breathing evened out, and the miles started to flow.
I was alone when I stood on the scale this morning.
You’d left in the night. The snow never came.
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