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Dear Kari,
I’m not the crying type. I’m the resourceful guy everyone looks to for a solution when things fall apart. I didn’t expect to cry when I said goodbye to you.
Oh, but I did cry! I sobbed like a child. Nobody could tell I was crying though. It was dark, a heavy rain had been falling for the last few hours, and the streets had water running down them in little cigarette butt-infused rivers. I’d had a hard day and wanted to try running in the rain.
I’d never run in the rain before, Kari. Never, ever, had I stretched my legs through a downpour for more than a few steps. I’d never greeted the rain with any sort of rushing enthusiasm.
I wanted to know what it felt like.
But who was I kidding? Me running in the rain? I could barely run! I was still the chubby guy who’d spent too much time eating Taco Bell in front of a computer and not enough time outside to warrant such an aspiration. But something else inside me wanted to run.
The part of me that hates losing glared at the part of me that always expects to fail. It seemed to say, “It’s cool. I’ll keep him here while you go for a run.”
So I did.
It wasn’t a prize-winning run. It wasn’t something I’d make a YouTube video of and share with my friends. But it was a run. In fact, it was more than just a run. By the time I’d reached the end of my street I was already soaking wet. The rain poured down in burlap buckets and pounded puddles into glittering spikes of leaping water.
I was out of breath already. My wet t-shirt stuck to my skin and neatly defined the fat on my upper body. (I’m not really a boob guy and I’m most certainly not a guy who is proud to have boobs of his own.) I kept running.
The tears hit me just past the 1-mile point of my run. I was furious with myself for not taking better care of myself. I was frustrated by how long it was taking for me to build up strength and stamina. I was disgusted with myself for allowing my weight problem to take the blame for other areas of my life I was unhappy with. If all that doesn’t entirely make sense to you, I understand. It didn’t make sense to me at the time. That’s why I started crying.
As I said, I’m not the crying type. But there was catharsis to be had in pushing my body. I didn’t feel so lost when I had the sound of my own heart pounding in my ears. I didn’t feel the need to talk as I gasped for air in the soggy darkness.
For a little while, it was okay to not have all the answers. It was okay to just be alone. It was okay to push my body to do things it had been meant to do from the beginning but I’d never tried. It was okay to run through some deep puddles, to feel stupid for having man boobs, and to wish I’d done all this years ago.
It wasn’t just okay for me to step on my bathroom scale the following morning and see that you’d left in the night. It was great.
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May Kari never cross paths with you again – congrats on getting rid of her and getting one step closer to your goal
She was no good for you anyway, Seth. Good riddance. I hope you get the chance to run in the rain more often. I’ve really come to like it (insert your favorite cleansing metaphor here).
Great work! Cheering for you!
Way to go! So happy to hear you’ve gotten rid of her…She was never good for you anyway!
Go Seth Go!!!
You are so on the right path!
Congratulations and avoid letting the Holidays step in your way. It may sound as too much but so far you’ve done a huge effort. Keep the spirit, keep on going.
Go Seth Go!!
Happy Holidays, from Mexico,
Patricia
Thanks for all your comments! I have THE BEST support anybody could ever hope to have. I’m really thrilled you count this worth reading!
@Patricia holidays have nothing on me. I’ll write a post with my sneaky tricks for avoiding bulge. Once I’m down to a healthy weight I’ll have more leeway to mess around a bit during the holidays so long as I’m consistently working out. Lucky me!
Thanks again everybody!
Hey, good for you! But you should share those sneaky tricks now, before the Holidays so we can all benefit from them!
I’ll be waiting to read about that. By the way, great post today, I ignore if it was a birthday’s special inspiration but I really enjoyed everything, including the literary references.
By the way, I’m at the beach for the first time after losing 60 lbs. I’m swimming, walking by the sea, going to the gym and playing all day with my 4 nephews ages 6 to 2 rather than just lying down under the sun. It’s the first time in my life and I feel healthier and happier than I’ve ever had.
I feel happy for your 68 lbs. as if they were mine, you are more than two thirds down the road. That’s amazing.
Happy Birthday again,
Patricia
Hi Patricia! I’ll post in a few hours.
As for the 68 lbs… um… I have to get down to 263… I still have quite a ways to go. I’m ignoring the first 60lbs right now. =)
Isn’t it nice to be able to run around without immediate exhaustion setting in? Opens up a lot of doors to a LOT of fun activities. I wish I’d started all this earlier… but everybody has their own timing. Now is my time.
Thank you so much for your support! I’m grateful.