Primal Stride

Note: I’ve named this pound after a dude at the request of my friend, Melanie.

Michael,

Social pressures can do a lot to help or harm one’s sense of self and subsequent health choices. You were one of the harms.

You were the “friend” who insisted that I wasn’t fat as I continued to gain weight far past any glimmer of possible health. You were the “buddy” who encouraged me to eat more even when I’d said I was trying to cut back. You were the dude who told me that anybody who wasn’t physically attracted to me just as I was didn’t deserve the time of day.

I suppose you were just trying to help. Were you? It wasn’t helpful.

I needed somebody to be concerned about me. It wasn’t like I had an allergic reaction and blew up overnight. It was a process. You saw it happening. When I tried to make changes, you made no effort to help. I didn’t expect you to help but I’d hoped you wouldn’t stand in the way. But you did.

It was my fault that I gained weight. I know that, Mike. It was my fault that I didn’t do a better job of self-regulation and make a difference earlier. I know that.

Still, I ask you. As my friend, why didn’t you say anything? If I’d been snorting coke or shooting heroin you would have done something. I know you would have. But I wasn’t on illegal substances. I was on a Baptist-approved carbohydrate coma that, in some ways, made my life seem easier. You saw what I was doing and yet there was not a word from you!

It’s okay. I figured things out on my own. I shoveled out the embarrassment and uncertainty on my own. I walked alone. Then I started to jog along. I kept going and I was finally able to run. Still alone.

It’s been a few weeks since I knew for sure that you were gone. It’s been a few weeks since I let my real friends know that I was doing okay without you. I’m sorry to get this letter off with such tardiness but it’s not as if you’d care.

You’re just a blob of fat that slowly melted away without leaving any trace beyond my increased desire to put as many lost pounds between you and me as possible. You’re just a memory from a time when I wasn’t as kind to myself or even the people around me.

But now? Now things have changed. I need to work harder and with more consistency but I’m always trending away from you. I’ve kept my eye out for friends who will let me know if they’re worried about me. I’ve surrounded myself with people who want the best for me. They’re excited about what I’m becoming and how I’m making it happen.

While you? You get nothing.